How Fathers Can Help Their Daughters Succeed

In a 2016 article for Glamour, President Obama wrote about his commitment to being the kind of father who set the bar high for the other men his daughters would encounter as they became adults.

The ways fathers can help their daughters succeed, he wrote, include:

• Taking on the responsibility of fighting sexism
• Being aware of how gender stereotypes pervade our society
• Speaking up when you see a gender double standard
• Modeling an equal relationship with your partner
• Working to change the culture that limits the prospects of women and girls

The relationship a girl has with her father is extremely important to how well she succeeds in later life. Fathers set the tone for their daughters’ expectations of men. A father who shows his daughter how a man should behave increases the chance that she will demand equal treatment in her adult relationships.

Fathers’ Special Role in Their Daughters’ Lives

As Obama wrote about his two daughters, “It’s important that their dad is a feminist, because now that’s what they expect of all men.”

Fathers can help their daughters succeed by encouraging them, believing in them, and having frank discussions about sexism. As Jessica Stillman wrote in “5 Ways Fathers Can Raise Strong, Successful Daughters:”

“In a world where women’s voices are frequently undervalued or even silenced, the simple act of discussing important topics openly and respectfully with your daughter can teach her a valuable lesson — you are entitled to speak your mind and your opinion is as valid and valued as any other.”

June 21 is Father’s Day

This Sunday, June 21, 2020, marks the 110^th anniversary of Father’s Day. The man who inspired Father’s Day, William Jackson Smart, was the twice-widowed father of fourteen children. His daughter, Sonora Smart Dodd, commented that “He was both father and mother to me and my brothers and sisters.” A single father at the age of 56, his youngest child only 7 or 8 at the time, Smart “exemplified fatherly love and protection.”

To the over 70 million fathers in the United States, I wish you a Happy Father’s Day this Sunday. To the fathers of girls, remember how important you are to helping your daughters succeed. May we continue to move toward, in Obama’s words, a country “where every single child can make of her life what she will.”

See also: Why Teen Girls Lose Confidence: What Parents Can Do and Ten Ways to Help Girls in 2020

Download 5 Ways Storytelling Empowers Teen Girls.

My story of losing confidence

When I was ten years old, I wanted to be a musician, a dancer, a mom, a poet, and an explorer. Only three years later, the bright future I’d imagined for myself seemed unattainable. By the age of thirteen, I’d become acutely aware of the limitations our culture places on women and girls. Even though my parents never told me I couldn’t do something because I was a girl, I felt the weight of the patriarchy pushing me down.

As a teenager and young woman, that weight seriously undermined my confidence. In my early teens, I still played music, wrote songs and poems, took dance lessons, and went on trips. As I got older, however, I absorbed society’s message that unless I was better than everyone else, especially boys, I might as well give up. My self-esteem took years to overcome.

What parents can do

The reasons why teen girls lose confidence in early adolescence is better understood today than when I was a teen. However, it still accounts for high rates of depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and self-harming behavior. Today’s teen girls must cope with pressures unheard of during my adolescence. These include social media, texting, and never-ending images of Photo-shopped beauty.

I was encouraged when I read “Girls’ Confidence Plummets Starting at Age 8: Here’s How to Keep Her Confidence Strong” at one of my favorite websites, A Mighty Girl. Authors Katty Kay and Claire Shipman have written The Confidence Code for Girls (HarperCollins, 2018), a book that “teaches girls to embrace risk, deal with failure, and be their most authentic selves” (quoted from the book’s description).

Here are some key points, which I’ve quoted from the article:

• Risk-taking: “It’s impossible to build confidence staying in a comfort zone, only doing what you are already good at doing.”
• A social media compromise: “Parents should insist that their daughters follow four women who are working in areas that interest them and then see where that takes them.”
• For fathers: “We’ve learned that dads are better at accurately gauging their child’s confidence than moms are, regardless of gender.”
• Be an imperfect role model: “Show your daughter what it means to screw up and then recover from it. If we are busy trying to be perfect, that is what our daughters will most notice, no matter how many books on confidence we hand her.”
• Positive thinking: “Curbing rumination, catastrophizing and negative thinking is equally essential.”

The good news is that girls can and do recover from their adolescent confidence deficits. For example, once I accepted that I didn’t need to be perfect, I tried all kinds of things, from making my own videos to writing books to starting a business. I made huge mistakes, had amazing adventures, and succeeded—but not all, or even half of the time. I learned the most from my mistakes.

As the authors of The Confidence Code for Girls state, “Confidence hinges on action. And that process, which usually involves some struggle and failure as well, is what creates more confidence.”

What new thing will you try today?

Download 5 Ways Storytelling Empowers Teen Girls.

Here are ten ways to help girls in the New Year.

1. Be a role model. Insist that women be promoted into positions of power. If you are an employer, make sure women have access to the same opportunities as men.
2. Volunteer at a non-profit that helps girls. Ophelia’s Place, Girl Scouts, National Girls Collaborative, and Girls Who Code all accept volunteers.
3. Listen when girls talk. “We live in a world that historically celebrates and elevates experiences and processes that relate to men—while undermining and shaming those that do not.” – 2020forgirls.
4. Stand up for girls. Challenge sexism when you encounter it. Call out degrading comments when you hear them. Don’t just let them slide.
5. Get the global perspective. Learn what other countries are doing to help empower girls. Girl Rising, Global Girls Glow, The Malala Fund, and Campaign for Female Education help girls around the world.
6. Share your stories. Stories are how we connect and learn. Letting a girl know that you, too, struggled with something can help her persevere when things get difficult.
7. Support girls-only spaces. Without gender-based competition, girls are allowed to be center stage.
8. Choose kindness. Tell your daughter, niece, sister, or mother how much you appreciate them.
9. Encourage girls to take risks and make mistakes. When girls have the same opportunities as boys to explore, get messy, and experiment, they grow stronger and more confident. They are far more likely to think for themselves instead of accepting someone else’s opinion.
10. Let girls be girls! Girls have their own way of approaching problems, communicating, and learning. Celebrate their unique abilities and intelligence. “Like a girl” should not be an insult!

Download 5 Ways Storytelling Empowers Teen Girls.